Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Most Romantic Valentine's Date Ever (in which I lose control of my laughter....and other things.)

The story I'm about to tell, sadly, is true.  I am going out on a huge limb here because I am going to totally embarrass myself.  Hopefully some of you out there will understand.  To those who don't, I know that I will totally lose my coolness forever in your eyes.  If I ever had any to begin with.  At any rate, this story is too funny not to share....

Saturday was Valentine's Day here in Brazil.  I had a hot date planned with my hubby.  He went early and bought movie tickets for "The Back-up Plan" - just my kind of movie.  I got dressed up in a black skirt, black tights and black boots with a white blouse.  It all looked cute with my red jacket.

We arrived at the mall with about an hour to spare before the movie started.  The mall was really crowded - mostly with teenage couples it seemed, as I guess the adult couples were doing something much more sophisticated than seeing a movie at the mall.  Anyway, we were kind of in the mood for some American junk, so we headed to Burger King.  Yes, I know, not exactly Valentine's Day fare, but when you live in a foreign country, sometimes you just crave a good burger.  I enjoyed a double cheeseburger, fries and two cups of Coke Zero before we headed up to the theater.

We always get a little snack to munch on during the movie, so Kevin waited in line while I went to the restroom.  He got me some chocolate covered raisins and another drink - kind of a lemon-lime carbonated water.  We headed in to the theater.  This particular theater is kind of fancy - you actually choose the exact seats where you want to sit.  We always sit in the last two seats on the end of a row, but Bronwyn had run in the mall earlier to buy these tickets, and she chose two seats that were near the end, but still had seats on each side.

We sat down by a young couple, and then another young couple came and sat down on our other side.  After the movie got started, I leaned a little closer to the guy sitting beside me and got a whiff of some stinky body odor.  I was also smelling some wafts of bad breath.  I told Kevin that the guy beside me smelled bad. He said what do you mean?  I said BO and bad breath, too, I think.  I decided to stay closer to Kevin and not lean over anymore close to him.

The movie was really funny and I cracked up several times.  However, I really cracked up when I looked over at Kevin and he was pulling his jacket lapel up over his nose and leaning as close to me as possible.  I asked him why he was doing that.  He said, "Because the guy next to me has dog poop breath and every time he laughs or opens his mouth, he is killing me!".  So that must have been the wafts of bad breath that I was smelling.  It must have really been horrible for Kevin because he was right beside the guy.

After the movie was over, we headed down the aisle to leave.  I giggled again at the movie and especially when we talked about Kevin covering up his nose.  The more I talked about it, the funnier it got.  When I started giggling, I noticed that I really needed to go to the bathroom again.  The two Coke Zeroes and the lemon-lime drink were making laughing......well, difficult.  OK. I have had 6 kids and my muscles in that area do not lend themselves to laughing, running, jumping, sneezing, etc. on a full bladder.  I realized that I better turn the giggling off until I made it to the bathroom.

Except that I couldn't turn it off.  You know when you aren't supposed to be laughing, but you want to, it makes it that much harder not to?  Like when something funny happens in church or in a wedding.  So, the more I thought about not giggling, the more I wanted to giggle and I could only think of funny things like Kevin saying the guy had "dog poop breath".  I looked away from Kevin and tried to think of something else as I walked out of the theater, down the hall, and to the lobby where the bathroom was.

It was a battle, and as we entered the lobby which thankfully was crowded and dimly lit, I lost the battle and my giggles took over.  I completely lost control.  At that point, it was either laugh more, or cry.  I chose to laugh and hid behind Kevin as I made my way to the bathroom.  I have never been so glad that I wore black and had on black tights.  As I entered the bathroom, I saw that there was a line about 7 people deep.  I tried to put my purse in a strategic place so no one would notice anything.  I looked down and saw little "drops" on the toes of my boots!  Ugh.

Kevin was standing outside the door and he saw the long line.  He motioned for me to go to the family bathroom that was beside the women's.  It is really for moms with little kids, but I decided to go for it.  If someone asked me anything, I decided I would lie and tell them I was pregnant.  (Desperate times call for desperate measures.)  As I sloshed my way to the other bathroom, Kevin said he thought he saw streams running down my black boots.  He did.

Of course, the toilet paper at this theater is the little squares that come out one by one.  No worries.  I took off my tights and undies, and wiped down my legs and boots.  Did a little fast clean up job with hand cleaner gel that I had in my purse.  Then put on the boots again and wadded up my tights and undies in a paper towel and crammed them in my purse.  I went commando under my skirt, which would have been pretty sexy under other circumstances, I am told.

So there you have it.  If you could imagine a more romantic Valentine's Day date, I don't know what it would be.  I learned a few things - First, obviously, don't drink so much when you are going to see a funny movie.  Second - black tights, black skirt, and black boots are actually a good choice if you are planning on wetting your pants on your date. Since the lobby was crowded and pretty dark, I don't think anyone noticed little ole' wet me, except for maybe one girl in the bathroom who was giving me strange looks.  Oh well.   And Third - my valentine is truly wonderful.  He didn't flinch a bit and just laughed with me and told me he wasn't turned off by my little accident.  After all, I didn't get that weak bladder from nowhere and we have 6 great kids to thank for it.  I don't remember us saying "In sickness and in health, in wet pants and in dry pants......." during our wedding ceremony, but he is sticking by me just the same.  Good to know, even though I don't plan on repeating this scenario ever again!

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